Fish Wishes and Fish Dreams: The Story of Old Skool Joe
- dndariusnorman30
- Apr 4, 2020
- 8 min read
Chapter 5 Oh Shit It’s Spaceman Jones
Old Skool Joe and DJ 3z3 were leaving the office of one Pinkerous Pinkerton. They opened the door and we’re met with an overwhelming cloud of smoke. As the smoke cleared they saw a six foot tall green man with antennas sticking out of a black beanie. The cap was pulled down low hiding his beady black eyes. He wore a large white T-shirt with baggy black jeans,and there was a large spliff in his mouth.
Old Skool Joe waved his hand to clear his smoke filled view. His face lit up as he shouted,
” Oh shit! It’s Spaceman Jones!”
DJ 3z3 stood calmly, nodded and said,
“Sup.”
He then asked
“Who the fuck is Spaceman Jones?”
*******
Spaceman Jones comes from a planet in the Andromeda system similar to our own named Doodahgipity. The only large difference being the oceans on this planet contain a very large water soluble amount of the chemical Tetrahydrocannabinol or THC.
It is a very peaceful planet. Everyone there is green so there isn’t any racism. There is still sexism, but not prevalent as it is on Earth. The people there are very laid back, and although technologically advanced the inhabitants of Doodahgipity move at a slower pace than we do. It is not a perfect society by any means and they have both ends of the spectrum as do most.
The planet’s main export and most valuable resource are clouds. Tourists come from all across the galaxy just to drink the water, and inhale fresh clouds. But one planet in the federation is under heavy embargo due to the many intergalactic violations of one President Pinkerous Pinkerton. The planet was unable to participate in the lucrative cloud trade .So whenever Pinkerous needed any he would call his good friend Spaceman Jones.
Spaceman Jones is one of the top cloud smugglers in the galaxy. He hops from planet to planet, smuggling intergalactic arms, selling cloud,and having adventures.But his absolute favorite activity is getting high and watching movies. Spaceman Jones enjoys a good cinema and his mind is a rest haven for random movie facts. But it is not quite time to tell the whole story of Mr. Jones.
******
Old Skool Joe dashed over and threw his arm around Spaceman’s neck. He looked back at DJ 3Z3 and said
“Naw man you don’t get it, it’s Spaceman Jones my old homeboy from magic school. This guy gots that outer space, we about to get fucked up!”
Old Skool Joe removed his arm,then Spaceman Jones took a huge rip of the spliff and passed it to Old Skool Joe who took a deep drag and asked,
“Yo Spaceman where the fuck have you been?”
Spaceman Jones replied
“You know just surfing the cosmos.”
Old Skool Joe nodded, then took another hit and inquired
“ Did you bring any of that space weed?”
Spaceman answered
“ You know it. I have some primo clouds from the home planet. Let me rap to Pink Panther for a spell, and then I will come and smoke you guys out”.
. Old Skool Joe passed it to DJ 3z3 who also took a long inhale. Old Skool Joe then said,
“Cool. Well we are gonna go chill in the living room and watch Krush Groove.”
DJ 3z3 tried to pass it back to Spaceman who politely said
“ No thanks you guys hang on to that. I’ll catch up with you guys. I need to talk to Pink Panther.”
Old Skool Joe replied
“ Word.”
Old Skool Joe and DJ 3z3 began to leave. .As they walked out the door DJ 3z3 asked
“Hey I thought you had to go back to The Fish Joint?”
Old Skool Joe responded
“ Naw fuck that! I’m sure Tubey will be fine.”
They closed the door behind them.
Pinkerous sat behind his desk and motioned for Spaceman Jones to sit . The green alien sat down, chuckled and said
“Wow after all these years he still thinks you’re a toy animal. That’s funny.”
Pinkerous slightly annoyed answered
“Look, we all know there is something wrong with him. Can we just get down to business? Did you get the fucking fuel cells? ”
Spaceman Jones reached in his pants pocket and pulled out a small purple velvet bag. He tossed it on top of the desk and said,
“There you go. That should be enough to last you for the next six months or so. Pinkerous we’re friends and all, but I don’t know if I can keep doing this. It’s getting harder to get this shit through the galaxy checkpoint.”
Pinkerous opened the bag and carefully poured the contents on top of the desk. He reached in a drawer on his right side, pulled out a large stack of one hundred dollar bills bound together with a rubber band, and tossed it on the desktop. Pinkerous asked
“ Will this make it a little easier? Look just a few more runs and everything will line up. I promise.”
Spaceman Jones grabbed the money and put it in his pocket. He looked across at Pinkerous and said
“Alright I can do a few more. I gotta give it to you Pinkerous, you are still the number one most wanted criminal by the Intergalactic Federation, yet you still run Detroiticus, and amazingly no one seems to be able to find you.”
Pinkerous leaned back in his chair and smiled
“ Of course they can’t find me. The only ones dumber than those guys are the FBI.”
They both erupted in laughter. As it died down Pinkerous leaned forward in his chair, he lowered his voice and said,
“I’m taking over the Federation, we are taking over the Federation, I’m going to bum rush the whole damn thing.”
Spaceman Jones leaned back and said
“Are you doing the Wesley Snipes thing again? I swear you really need to talk to someone about your drinking. New Jack City…wow, I did not see a New Jack City reference coming today. Well… Pinky you got any food around here?”
Pinkerous responded
“ Yeah fuck you ya green piece of shit. Of course there is food. As a matter of fact I filmed a cooking show with Dr. S last night. He made ribs. Let’s just say the sauce had a real Cosby effect if you catch my drift.”
Spaceman Jones stood up and said,
“I’m not even going to ask what that means. Catch you in the cosmos Pinky.”
Spaceman Jones stood up and walked out of the office and down the hall. He stopped and waved at Brenda, the receptionist who was busy filing her nails. He turned left and saw Old Skool Joe and DJ 3z3 sitting on an old brown tattered leather couch. They were facing a large flat screen TV and watching the classic film Krush Groove. DJ 3z3 smoked the remnants of Spaceman’s spliff while Old Skool Joe ranted
“ See man, that’s bullshit right there. They got LL Cool J moving the boxes, when they knew damn well me and you had moved those same boxes twenty minutes earlier. So you’re telling me LL gets to be in the movie, and we get to move boxes. Damn man, my back was bumping after that.”
DJ 3z3 nodded and put the spliff in the ashtray. Spaceman Jones walked behind the couch as he passed he asked
“ What up Old Skool? Anything good in the fridge?”
Old Skool Joe laughed replying
“Yeah. Ribs for her pleasure!”
Spaceman Jones entered the medium sized kitchen and opened the large tan refrigerator door. On the top shelf he saw a large aluminum covered roasting pan with a purple laced pair of women’s panties draped over it. He took the pan out of the fridge and placed it on the counter. Spaceman grabbed a pair of tongs, removed the underwear and tossed it on the ground. He opened up the foil revealing a beautiful rack of ribs.
Spaceman Jones put the oven on a low setting and placed the pan on the bottom rack. He then joined Old Skool Joe and DJ 3z3 on the couch. Old Skool Joe continued to rant
“See, that was supposed to be us doing the rap in the office. But Pink Panther had to go and smash Sal over the head with that bottle. Shit a lot of people don’t know this, people thought Sal was a good actor but he was legit scared the Pink Panther was gonna come back and finish the job. Sal was one wack ass homeboy. Fucking LL Cool J!”
DJ 3z3 simply nodded his head in agreement. Spaceman Jones removed a small black box from his pants pocket, tossed it on the coffee table and said,
“Damn Old Skool I haven’t seen you that riled up since graduation.”
Old Skool Joe glanced at Spaceman then answered
“Well that was some bullshit! We had like six pies and some fuckin’ blue biscuits, and these motherfuckers are up there eating turkey. Then we can’t eat until Vladamor or whatever his fucking name was shuts the fuck up.”
Spaceman Jones pressed a button on his watch. The black box on the table began to vibrate, and a small plastic bag began to fill with smoke. Spaceman replied
“ Yeah we had some pretty wild times back at magic school.”
DJ 3z3 asked
“ Wait you guys really went to magic school? Like Hogwarts or some shit?”
Spaceman Jones and Old Skool Joe looked at each other almost confused, when Spaceman replied
“God no! Hogwarts is like one of the most prestigious wizarding academies in all the realms. We attended the Merlin Public Academy of the Wizarding Arts. It’s like the difference between private school and like a school named after Martin Luther King.”
DJ 3z3 gave an understanding nod. Then he asked
“And Old Skool Joe how did you get in?”
Old Skool Joe shrugged and answered
“What do you mean? “
Spaceman Jones removed the smoke filled bag from the black box. There was a cork sealing the bag from the bottom which Spaceman expertly removed. He handed the bag to DJ 3z3 and said
“Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to ask that. Take a rip from that bag and none of that will matter anyway. That’s the cloud my friend. Straight from my home planet, it’s like the chronic…but better.”
DJ 3z3 inhaled the contents of the bag, then began to violently cough. He passed the bag to Old Skool Joe who did the same. After about a full minute of coughing Old Skool Joe composed himself and said
“ Yeah man… it’s not time to talk about magic school right now.”
Spaceman Jones inhaled the remaining contents of the bag and said
“ Right, it’s time to eat.”
Spaceman jumped up and walked to the kitchen. He removed the ribs from the oven and placed them on the stove. Spaceman violently shook his hands as they burned from not using an oven mit. He grabbed a rib and sat back on the couch. They sat and watched the end of Krush Groove , and as the closing credits played Old Skool Joe yelled
“See that was supposed to be me doing the worm! They didn’t even get any shots of me moving all those damn boxes! “
(to be continued)
Coming soon!
Adventures in Magic School
Starring Spaceman Jones and Old Skool Joe
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