Fish Wishes And Fish Dreams: The Story of Old Skool Joe

Chapter 4 The Fake Magazine

Old Skool Joe is sitting behind the counter inside The Fish Joint, a small Mexican seafood restaurant in Las Cruces, New Mexico. He is reading the newspaper while Ryan “Tubey” Wilcox is hard at work in the kitchen. Doris and the Red Hat Gang are playing a game of bridge over at their familiar round table. There is an old Hispanic man with a head of fluffy white hair passed out at a table. He is surrounded by empty Corona bottles, an empty red basket, and crumpled up pieces of wax paper. 

A bell rings as a short Caucasian man with a bald head and stringy brown hair clinging to the side of his scalp walked through the door. He wore a short sleeved white buttoned down shirt  stained from sweat, and a bland red tie. In his left hand was a brown tattered briefcase that he placed on the counter as he sat down. The man looked around the restaurant then focused his attention on Old Skool Joe who was still intensely reading his newspaper. The man turned around again to see if he could find a server, then he slammed his palm on the counter and shouted

“Does anyone work here? Can I please get a menu?”

Old Skool Joe ignored the man and kept staring at his paper. The man began to turn red and a scowl now appeared on his face. He slammed his fist on the counter and yelled

“Hello…hello can I please get a menu, some service, anything?”

Old Skool Joe calmly looked up from his paper and replied

“You need to chill out. I don’t come to Family Dollar and yell at you. Do you want fish and fries, or a fish sandwich and fries?”

The man angrily replied

“ I’d like to see a goddamn menu!”

Old Skool Joe stood up and placed his newspaper on the counter. The man flinched and jumped back in his seat. Old Skool Joe said

“ Look man we don’t have fucking menus. It’s called The Fish Joint, I mean how hard is that to understand? Now do you want fish and fries, or a fish sandwich and fries?”

Before the man could answer the bell rang and a Hispanic gentleman of average height with a healthy salt and pepper colored mane walked through the door. He wore an Adidas tracksuit  similar to Old Skool Joe’s, only his was burgundy. Old Skool Joe’s eyes lit up as he exclaimed

“The world famous DJ 3Z3 is in the motherfuckin’ house!”

DJ 3z3 raised his hand and threw three fingers in the air, he high fived Old Skool Joe, then took a seat at the counter. The bald man became irate and yelled

” Still hungry over here! Is anyone going to take my order?”

Old Skool Joe dismissively looked at the bald man, then turned his attention to his DJ and asked 

“ What’s up man? You hungry?”

Old Skool Joe turned and yelled through the order window

“Hey Tubey,  let me get a fish and fries…oh make it two”

Old Skool Joe turned and looked at the angry bald man then said

“Your fish will be ready in a minute. Do you want a beer?”

The man responded

“I don’t drink.”

Old Skool Joe shrugged, then reached into a  cooler and grabbed two bottles of beer. He opened both of them, then slid one to DJ 3z3.  They tapped the necks of the bottles together, then both took a long drink. Both men slammed their bottles on the counter, then with a huge smile Old Skool Joe said

“ Shit man how long has it been? Tubey…Tubey get in here I want to introduce you to the world famous DJ 3z3!”

Ryan shouted through the window

“ Kind of busy Old School. Maybe I could get a little help?”

Old Skool Joe still beaming replied 

“Aw man, you don’t know shit. This is a motherfucking legend right here! The baddest DJ in the history of hip-hop, fuck that, music period. A key component of the greatest album ever made Old Skool Joe’s in Town and of course the successful follow up Old Skool Joe’s Back in Town.”

DJ 3z3 threw his three fingers in the air as Old Skool Joe continued.

“ Shit man I haven’t seen you in years. Where the fuck have you been?”

DJ 3z3 leaned back in his chair, picked up his beer, then took a drink. He placed the beer bottle back on the counter, then shrugged and answered

“ You know a little of this, and a little of that, and now I’m back. Hey where’s Pink Panther? I need a fucking job.”

Ryan placed two red baskets lined with wax paper and filled with fried fish and french fries on the service window. Old Skool Joe grabbed the baskets and placed one in front of DJ 3z3, then the other one in front of now patiently waiting bald man. Old Skool Joe said

“Aw man don’t worry about that shit. You can just come work at the fake magazine.”

DJ 3z3 looked confused as Old Skool Joe carried on

“ Yeah man the fake magazine. We call it 46 forum…you know like the apartment. We basically get paid to smoke weed and watch TV, it’s great. I just do the fish thing because well I really like fish. It’s a fun spot to hang. Shit you can work here too if you want.”

Ryan yelled through the window

“No he can’t!”

Old Skool Joe waved dismissively

“Don’t listen to him. He has on a fish hat for fucks sake!”

The bald man interrupted

“ Excuse me, sir these french fries are soft.”

DJ 3z3 replied

“Did you want french fries or penis?”

Old Skool Joe and DJ 3z3 erupted in laughter for what seemed like forever. The bald man sat there fuming and glaring at the two as they laughed at his expense. He snatched his briefcase, then tossed a handful of money on the counter as he stormed out of the establishment. DJ 3z3 reached over, grabbed the remains of the man’s  fish basket and combined it with his. Old Skool Joe grabbed the money and put it in his pocket.  He yelled through the window

“Yo Tubey i’m outta here, I’m gonna take a lunch break. I’ll be back in a little bit. Yo DJ kick that shit!”

DJ 3z3 looked confused, then Old Skool Joe said

“I mean, let’s go to the office. It’s actually a sweet little setup, I’ll show you around.

******

Old Skool Joe and DJ 3z3 walked upon a two story apartment facing the interstate. The brick matched the adobe buildings which surrounded the area. They walked up the stairs and took a right, then stood in front of a fading purple door with a copper plated forty six above the peephole. 

Old Skool Joe unlocked the door and opened it, revealing a spacious interior. A brunette woman in a skin tight black dress sat behind a desk filing her fingernails. Above her was a black and green neon lamp of the 46forum Fake Magazine logo. Old Skool Joe asked

“Brenda do I have any calls??

The woman continued filing her nails ignoring Old Skool Joe. He tapped his finger on the desk and said

“Where the fuck is the Pink Panther?”

She briefly paused her nail filing and pointed towards the hallway. Old Skool Joe turned  and nodded at 3z3  indicating to follow him. They walked down a long hall with three doors on each side and a door at the end. Each door was closed and had a gold plaque in the center. As they walked Old Skool Joe explained

“You’re going to love it here man. We have a real good squad here. We have Spaceman Jones, he’s from space, smokes a lot of weed, um that’s about it. There’s Nikki Free, the only chick in the staff. She plays guitar, talks in third person, goes on space runs for us… that kind of shit. We got Dr. S, you can probably guess what the S is for. Fame Felon the self proclaimed black Dick Ebersol runs the sports division. Then there’s that janitor’s closet, but I don’t go in there. Fuck that haunted ass room.”

The plaque on the door at the end of the hall read Pinkerous Pinkerton editor. Old Skool Joe knocked three times and after a moment opened the door. Pinkerous was sitting behind a desk yelling into the speakerphone. 

” Fuck those lying hippie motherfuckers! They can’t prove a damn thing. I know Donnie it’s all bullshit, a real hoax. Fucking witch hunting savages! I know… of course I grabbed her by the pussy what do you think this is… amateur hour? Alright Donnie talk to you later.” 

Pinkerous hung up the phone and noticed Old Skool Joe and DJ 3Z3 standing in the hallway. Pinkerous asked 

” You two gonna just stand there and jerk each other off ?”

DJ 3z3 walked up to Pinkerous’s desk and shook the short pink aliens paw. Old Skool Joe made his way to the coffee table in the corner and pushed a button on a grey cylinder on the table top. He pulled out a blunt and lit it up. Pinkerous asked

“Well if it isn’t the world famous DJ 3z3. Where the hell have you been?”

3z3 sat down across from Pinkerous and pulled out a pack of Pall Mall cigarettes, then tossed them on the desk replying

“Well after that whole scandal I took off to Mexico. I’ve been working at a club in Juarez called the Pink Lady.”

Pinkerous leaned back in his chair and smiled

“Yeah I know the place. I used to do business there…until they changed management.”

DJ 3z3 continued

“They know you quite well Pink Panther. Anyway that’s kind of why I’m here. I need a job. Can I work here? Also what the fuck is all this?”

Pinkerous sprung from his chair and stood on the top of his desk. He glanced over at Old Skool Joe then stared briefly at DJ 3z3. He removed a cigarette from the maroon Pall Mall box,placed it in his mouth, then said

“ Can you give me a light there Jose?”

DJ 3z3 obliged and pulled a lighter out of his pocket. Pinkerous deeply inhaled, tilting his head back slightly while exhaling a huge cloud of smoke. He returned his gaze to a calm DJ 3z3 and said

“You know what I always liked about you? You don’t ask a lot of questions. What is this? It’s what it’s always been. I’m washing money, it’s always been about washing money. I’m doing it the easy way now…on the internet.  That’s all you guys really need to know. It’s a fake magazine do whatever you want. Write, rap, play music , fantasy football, smoke weed, gamble, the ass business, I really don’t give a shit. Just don’t do anything to embarrass me,or piss off the guys in New York.”

DJ 3z3 remained calm in his chair. He gently stroked his goatee with his thumb and index finger and asked

“So all I gotta do is smoke weed and play music?”

Pinkerous nodded. DJ 3z3 asked

“So how much does it pay?”

Old Skool Joe sarcastically loudly interrupted

“Here we go!” 

Pinkerous scowled at Old Skool Joe then looked back at DJ 3z3 and explained

“ Well here’s the deal, you will live here see. There is always plenty of food, as a matter of fact one of our staff writers Dr. S does a cooking show.”

DJ 3z3 asked

“ Is he an actual doctor?”

Pinkerous continued

“He’s a doctor of something. Like I was saying you’ll stay here, I’ll take care of everything. I will supply the food, drugs, alcohol, and shelter. All you have to do is supply the money. It’s easy just help me keep this fake magazine running so I can continue to wash money. You will be paid a base salary…”

Pinkerous pulled a stack of cash from his fur and tossed it on the desk.

“And there you go a signing bonus.”

DJ 3z3 looked at the money and asked

“So you’re pimping us?”

Pinkerous responded

” Since 1984.”

Old Skool Joe  walked over to the table with a freshly rolled blunt in his mouth and said 

“Don’t listen to him, he’s just a stupid stuffed animal. See I told you shit would work out. It’s just like old times…well except for Buck.”

Both men made a fist, bumped their chests three times, then pointed an index finger towards the heavens. Old Skool Joe continued

“Alright fam well I gotta get back to the Fish Joint and make sure Tubey doesn’t get fucked up by the Red Hat  Bitches. Speaking of which yo Pink Panther, Doris says you better call her.”

Old Skool Joe was about to leave the room but he paused at the door. He turned around and had a huge smile on his face. He said

“Man this is cool, it’s like we’re getting the band back together.” 

Old Skool Joe opened the door and a huge cloud of smoke filled the room. Old Skool Joe coughed, then waved the smoke from his face and yelled

“Oh shit it’s Spaceman Jones!”

(to be continued)

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