Fish Wishes and Fish Dreams: The Story of Old Skool Joe
- dndariusnorman30
- Oct 18, 2019
- 9 min read
Chapter 2 Enter The Pink Panther
Detroiticus is a small planet located in sector 30 of the Andromeda galaxy. It is a small grayish planet, due to never developing any kind of emission regulations. It is a smoggy hell hole inhabited by beings resembling Earth stuffed animals. Much like Earth there are different races and classes. The two dominants are cats and bears. Scattered bunnies, ducks, and monkeys also inhabit this world. There is one large Pangaea-like continent surrounded by water, but factories now dominate the landscape. Detroiticus was once the industrial capital of the galaxy, where most spacecraft and cloud converters were produced.
The expansion of sector 30 resulted in many of the large companies departing for planets with richer natural resources. Leaving behind a huge cloud of smog and a lot of abandoned factories. Crime and corruption are now the planet’s main exports, led by the most corrupt criminal of them all, President Pinkerous Pinkerton.
Pinkerous Pinkerton’s latest scandal involves a hotel room, some ladies of the night, missing government funds, and the disappearance of the single most important item in the entire sector. The Detroiticus press is currently facing an empty podium as Pinkerous sits in a stolen space cruiser narrowly escaping his inevitable prosecution. The senate is calling for not only his impeachment, but to bring him up on full charges despite his presidential status.
He makes the jump through hyperspace landing in the Milky Way and sets course to Floyd’s.
Floyd’s is a small bar slash truck stop located on the moon of a primitive blue planet called Earth.
********
New York City, 1983
It is mid afternoon in the Bronx and Old Skool Joe is hard at work performing his custodial duties. He is break dancing while he sweeps the large black concrete dance floor. Sounds of Grandmaster Flash blare through the large speakers on the stage. He sweeps the dust and sand into a dustpan, then deposits the contents into a nearby garbage can.
Old Skool Joe takes a seat on the stage. The same stage he had witnessed the careers of Run-DMC, The Fat Boys, and LL Cool J, elevate to world fame. Old Skool Joe removes a joint and lighter from his pocket and proceeds to smoke the devil’s lettuce. A door swings open and Sal the owner of the establishment bursts out and yells
“What the hell is going on out here? I told you don’t smoke that shit inside of my club!”
Old Skool Joe blows out a huge cloud of smoke and replies
“Come on Sal it’s cold outside. Man when are you gonna let me get on that stage? Everyone around knows I’m the baddest on the mic, and the turntables.”
Sal’s olive complexion grew red with rage as he screamed “Perform? Your lucky I even let you clean the fucking toilets with all of the shit you pull on a daily basis! Maybe release a fucking record first! Perform!? Get the fucking trash outside then get in that fucking dish pit!”
Old Skool Joe took another puff of his joint
“Sal you need to calm your ass down, your gonna have a fucking heart attack. I’m gonna take this trash out and then I’m going home to make an album. I’ll fucking show you.”
Sal threw his hands up in despair and storms off. Old Skool Joe picks up the trash bags and takes them into the back alley. As he begins throwing bags into the large blue bin there is a large boom in the clear night sky. Old Skool Joe thought nothing of it until he heard a large boom in the trash bin.
Old Skool Joe peered over the front rail of the trash bin to discover a small pink cat like creature frantically rummaging through the garbage. The creature turned around and asked
“What the fuck are you looking at?
Old Skool Joe continued to stare blankly but extended his hand to pass his joint to the creature. Pinkerous grabbed it and took a long drag of the marijuana cigarette exhaling a huge cloud of smoke, then returned it..
Old Skool Joe finally asked
“ Wow! A talking Pink Panther stuffed animal doll…I think I’ve seen one of you motherfuckers on the commercial. But why are you digging around in the trash like a hobo?”
The talking Pink Panther doll continued foraging until he pulled a small grey cylinder from the rubbish. He wiped his forehead then looked up and asked
“Pink what? My name is Pinkerous Pinkerton! Now are you gonna help me out of here, or keep standing there staring at me like a jackass?”
Old Skool Joe reached in and pulled the Pink Panther doll out of the trash bin. He held him up and examined the doll. Pinkerous yelled
“Put me down you fucking spook!”
Old Skool Joe laughed as he placed the doll on the ground. He took a puff of his joint and said
“Oh shit they made this one a little bit racist. Wow toys have come a long way since I was a kid.
Pinkerous dusted himself off
“Again I am not a toy! My name is Pinkerous Pinkerton I’m from..you know what forget it. Who is this Pink Panther you speak of?”
Old Skool Joe finished the joint, tossed the roach on the ground, then replied
“ It’s you. He’s a Pink Panther who smokes cigarettes and is racist against French people. Come to think of it, he doesn’t talk in the show. But you talk…which is weird. Eh. Fuck it I’m probably over thinking this shit.”
Old Skool Joe reached in his pocket, pulled out a freshly rolled joint and lit it. He took a couple of drags and passed it to the Pink Panther doll. Pinkerous inhaled the smoke and asked
“Where is the nearest titty bar? Look I’ll explain all of this; but first how about taking your old pal the Pink Panther to the strip club?”
Old Skool Joe shrugged
“Fuck why not. This doll is racist and loves the shake joint. It’s a fucking Christmas miracle! Also it’s two for one night at the Kitty Cat Club right around the corner. Let’s go.”
The two new friends walked down the street arriving at the Kitty Cat Club a little bit after midnight. They were greeted at the door by a large bald Hispanic man with a thick black mustache. His name is Bogie and he is the bouncer at this fine establishment.
“Hey Old Skool Joe! How’s it hanging bro? It is all the way live in there tonight man have some fun!”
Old Skool Joe patted him on the shoulder and started to walk in. The bouncer held his arm out stopping Old Skool Joe in his tracks
“Hold up homie. Who or what is behind you?”
Old Skool Joe looked over his shoulder at the grungy, trash covered Pink Panther doll.
“Oh shit him! He’s with me. It’s one of those talking Pink Panther dolls…you know from the commercial?”
The bouncer lowered his arm and the duo entered the club. There was a huge rectangular main stage in the center of the room, a smaller stage to the right, and a bar on the left. They made their way to the bar and found two empty stools. Old Skool Joe pushed one of the stools to the side, stood at the bar, and waved to the bartender. Pinkerous hopped up on the bar stool and spun around whimsically, when he stopped he was facing the bar. Old Skool Joe yelled
“Hey Brittany how about a couple of white wine spritzers for me and my new friend here?”
The bartender rolled her eyes and slammed two large cans of Budweiser on the counter top. She then pours two shots of whiskey and slid them across the counter.
“ There you go Old Skool Joe two white wine spritzers.”
Pinkerous and Old Skool Joe downed the whiskey, then chugged the beers. A thin large breasted topless woman with long curly blonde hair walked by, and Pinkerous slapped her on the ass. The woman turned around and smiled. Pinkerous stood up in his seat and pulled out a twenty dollar bill.
“There’s more where that came from honey but you’re going to have to find it first.”
Old Skool Joe looked down very perplexed
“ Uh what? What does that even mean? What the fuck?”
The blonde woman picked Pinkerous up, he gave her a good motorboat as they made their way towards the champagne room.
Old Skool Joe sat silently and drank beers for about an hour. Suddenly the curly haired blonde woman ran past him into the arms of the bouncer. The Pink Panther walked up to the bar and hopped back onto his stool. He put his paw in the air and called for the bartender
“Darlin’ can I get a bottle of scotch and a glass for me and my friend here?”
Brittany slammed the bottle on the counter, then reached under the bar grabbed two glasses and placed them down. The Pink Panther poured two shots, slid one to Old Skool Joe , raised his glass and said
“To new friends , also I didn’t realize Earth girls were so sensitive about where you put beer bottles.”
Old Skool Joe looked confused but nodded and replied
“Um alright? Fuck it bottoms up.”
They downed the drinks, then slammed the glasses on the bar top. The blonde woman approached with the bouncer right behind her. She pointed at Pinkerous and yelled
“Him! That’s him right there that sick motherfucker! The pink one.”
Old Skool Joe stood in shock as Pinkerous jumped on the bar top, picked up the bottle and began chugging it. The bouncer inched his way toward the pink alien, he reached out to grab him, then picked him up. Pinkerous spit scotch in his face, then hit him over the head with the empty bottle. Glass shattered everywhere as the bouncer crumpled to the floor. Pinkerous landed on the unconscious bouncer’s back, reached in his back pocket, grabbed his wallet, then looked up at a still perplexed Old Skool Joe. Pinkerous calmly said
“Well…I think it’s about time for us to go. “
Old Skool Joe nodded, and Pinkerous threw a wad of cash on the table. They got up and walked outside laughing hysterically. Pinkerous grabbed two bottles of beer. Old Skool Joe, his laugh now dying down to sporadic chuckles said
“I don’t know where the hell you keep grabbing stuff from, but you are one cool ass stuffed animal.”
Pinkerous replied
“Do you know where we can score some coke?”
Old Skool Joe nodded and answered
“ Of course I can. It’s 1983. Actually my roommate Bucky probably has some.”
They hailed a taxi and went to Old Skool Joe’s apartment. A small studio with an old grey couch and a black coffee table in front of it. There is a small kitchen and a card table with a large hamster cage on top of it. The enclosure has two stories with a little hamster house on the top , and a bowl of food right next to it. On the bottom is a hamster wheel, a small weight bench, and a large water bottle.
The cage is shaking as two hamsters chase each other, zipping in and out of the tubes that connect the two layers. One hamster goes into the house as the other one bangs on the door.
Old Skool Joe and Pinkerous walk through the door of the apartment. Old Skool Joe throws his keys on the coffee table and yells
“Yo Bucky B in the place to be…oh shit, did she lock you out again?”
The hamster paused and answered
“Yeah man. This bitch…I swear she is going to make me commit another murder.”
He resumed banging on the door and yelled
“You hear me bitch? You better not ever come out of there then or you’re fucking dead!”
Old Skool Joe turned around and saw Pinkerous tinkering with the strange grey cylinder he was looking for in the trash bin. Then he turned his attention back to the hamster cage and asked
“Yo Buck, do you have any coke?”
The hamster replied
“Yeah in the cabinet above the stove. Who the fuck is that?”
Old Skool Joe walked towards the kitchen, opened the cupboard above the stove and answered “Oh that’s one of those new talking Pink Panther dolls. You know from the commercials.”
Pinkerous looked up from the grey cylinder and said
“Actually my name is Pinkerous Pinkerton. I’m from a small planet in sector 30 if the Andromeda galaxy called Detroiticus. I was the President, but unfortunately some things went wrong and I’m on the run. I don’t want to go into specifics, but they are pretty pissed that I stole this”
Pinkerous pushed a small button on the side of the cylinder and it began to expand into three compartments.Two short ones on the left and right that contained red canisters.The middle compartment was a taller tube with a small window in the center. He grabbed a canister out of one of the compartments, removed the cap and deposited it into the tube. After a few seconds there was a loud beep and steam seeped from the small window. Pinkerous opened the window and removed ten freshly rolled blunts. With a proud look Pinkerous explained
“This is the CC-2600 a prototype that turns cloud into matter. You see cloud…”
Old Skool Joe happily interrupted
“You mean you have a weed machine! Oh my god you are the greatest stuffed animal in the world!”
Old Skool Joe threw the bag of cocaine on the table, and grabbed two blunts. He put them both in his mouth and lit them simultaneously. Pinkerous opened up the bag of coke and emptied the contents on the table. Bucky opened the door on his cage and scurried to the coffee table. He and Pinkerous stuck their noses in the pile of powder, while Old Skool Joe enjoyed his marijuana.
The three partied all night. The next morning shit got real.
(to be continued)
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